Time Passes By...

Well, needless to say I've been MIA on the old Blogosphere!  I apologize for the very long and emotional poetic mish-mash of brotherly love in the last post, to understand that post you need to understand where it was coming from.  I wrote that VERY late on the day before my brother's funeral, a day I don't think I'll ever forget.  In all actuality it kind of blurred together, the entire week up to his passing, the days before his funeral, and the days following it.  All I remember is heart ache and feeling like I needed to write.  So there I was, just finished sending his obit to our family church and creating a collage of pictures for his viewing/funeral...I needed to vent my feelings and though in all honesty I'm not sure I got them all out, it did feel better once I wrote them down.  I go back now and read them...not positive it makes much sense but there are coherent moments of raw emotion there.  I'm trying to cope with this loss every day and I think I may do it more quietly than others but truthfully it still stings with the same un-real pain.  The only thing that comforts me is that he no longer is in pain. 

I started this Blog in a really good place.  Though I knew my brother was battling Leukemia, generally it seemed like things were going in a positive direction and his fight sparked a realization in me that I needed to address my out-of-control obesity.  Life is precious and my personal struggle with my weight (and recent attempt to combat it) was inspired by how couragous Anthony was during all of this.  This is a guy who always had a smile on his face and kept laughing through it all.  I needed to show him I was battling right along side of him. 

When he passed I will admit my new vision of fighting my weight issues went away and all I could think about was "why?"  Why him?  Why now?  What happens next?  My strength melted away and formed sadness/anger/regret.  Now that a few weeks has past I'm still struggling with the day-to-day reminders but I have decided to fight on, the way he would have wanted me to.  I have done lots of praying, thinking, deciding...pull up your boot straps again Titus, get your head in the game, and be a healthy man...waiting to be a Daddy some day...needing to be healthy for his family!  So today I took some steps in the right direction.  I am going back to drinking no pop, lots of water, replacing a meal or two with veggie/fruit shakes, cutting out fast food and white carbs.  I'm going back to the gym and going to start walking Mia every day.  I have pre-registered for Biggest Loser Season 15 auditions and have booked my hotel in Ohio to try out at the open casting call.  The direction that I could possibly receive from them would truly be a blessing, as I'm highly motivated but missing the knowledge to put that motivation to good use!  Now it is time to keep fighting, making Anthony smile in heaven and be proud of me.  Time may pass us by but I plan on using that time with purpose.  Be better, live better my friends!